Saturday, November 18, 2006

Lies of a Third Grader

When I was a little girl (3rd grade) I went through a phase where I told lies. It started with one & grew, grew, grew.
In third grade we moved from the house that we had lived in for years...away from all of my friends, away from the brick road I learned to ride a bike on, away from the lake I learned to swim, float, canoe in, away from the oak trees & orange trees I learned to climb in and away from the banana trees & azalea bushes I learned to kiss under.
We moved into a small cinder block house on a blacktop road in a neighborhood with more houses, more people, more diversity & I developed a lower self esteem (In hindsight, this is what I think) The kids at school & in the neighborhood weren't so accepting of this skinny little blonde who could out run any boy on the block, who could climb trees higher than any monkey in the village & who could care less about barbie dolls & sitting inside with them in their air conditioning to watch TV. In hindsight, I guess they weren't too accepting of our whole crew... they had attitude towards Mom with her ever-changing please-find-me-a-car-that-will-run so that we can drive the neighborhood on trash day to find other peoples' junk to take home, re-do, & then take to the market & sell for cash money, my Sister Singleton with her '57 Chevy & long-haired, barefoot boyfriends, Kimbies with her cigarette smoking social life in the driveway, Curt with his needles & seizures, Chanty Boy with his Mongolian face & enlarged tongue & all that (Curt has Diabetes, Chanty has Down's Syndrome) & skinny little me, wearing Curty's hand-me-downs.
Questions from the kids came...
Why do you wear boys clothes?
Why is your brothers tongue so long?
Why was the ambulance at your house?
Why was your mom's car parked in front of our house?
Why were your sisters riding bikes at like 5 in the morning?
Why don't you watch TV?
Why did you & your Mom take our old broken TV cart when we threw it away?
Why don't you ever have any cookies?
Who were all these people at your house? Why were you all outside until midnight? You mom allows that?!
Why don't you have any real barbies?
What were you wearing?
Why aren't you eating? Can't your parents give your lunch money?
Why aren't you crying yet...crybaby...I said you were white trash, don't you know what that is?
And I had answers, some were true & some were not.
I like boys clothes. He ate too many potato chips when he was little-er. My brother ate a cookie. Her car broke down. They have to go to work at the beanery. I don't like TV, besides we don't have power. We didn't take any TV carts. My mom gives us oranges when we want something sweet...cookies are expensive. They were my sisters friends & we were cooking was a birthday party. I have a real barbie, she just hast has short brown hair. I was wearing my dad's coat, it was cold. Me? No, I'm not hungry. No, I don't know what white trash is & I'm not crying because I don't care. One day I'm going to be a news reporter or an actress.
I told Nana about how I lied about my clothes and about my brothers tongue. She asked me why I lied & I told her that the other kids would make fun of me...playing with me just fine until I no-one could tag me in freeze-tag & then they circle me with taunts & ridicules. I asked her what white trash was & she took me to the mall. She bought me an outfit ... gouchos with a rainbow shirt. She told me that everyone lies sometimes, but that I should be careful because one lie leads to another & they are never quite worth it.
That year for Christmas I got Barbie dolls & Barbie Malls. But none of that mattered, in fact, at Christmas I felt bad, I felt guilty...
That Christmas morning, (really in the wee hours of the night, after everyone had gone to bed) I laid alone on our living room floor and I therapeutically rolled the orange from my stocking in my hands & I stared at the Barbie Doll Mall that Santa had left me & I knew it must have cost a lot of money. I realized it was nothing I wanted at all ... it was what the other kids in the hood thought I should have & being the sucker that I was I thought maybe it would make me more normal. I told my family that I wanted Barbie dolls that year, but I knew when I told them that, that it wasn't true. I told myself that it was what I wanted & I even knew that wasn't true. I wanted to live by the lake, under the trees & by people who accept diabetes, down's syndrome, hippie's & hard-times.
By telling lies to myself, I had manipulated my entire family that Christmas & got just what I asked for.
Gouchos & Barbies didn't change me or the neighborhoods kids' perspectives of me & My World.
By telling the truth, I got picked on some & yes, I got mad but I didn't get sad. They'd call my brother a retard & I'd say 'That's funny retards are supposed to be dumb. He's not dumb, he just has Down's Syndrome...what's you excuse?' I got defiant & I found myself growing less dependent upon other people & even more dependent upon myself. I found myself more accepting of those that were different in ways I didn't understand, even if that difference was that they didn't understand that some people are different from them, physically and otherwise. I found that some people didn't like the truth, it made them uncomfortable and sometimes even scared. I found other people who were intrigued...Some in a morbid way and others for enlightenment. I found that those that didn't like it could leave, there was a place for them somewhere...It just wasn't here with me.
But any which way you slice that cake, in third grade, I found that the truth, while sometimes unfortunate, painful or hurtful, allows for stronger foundations within & that stronger foundations within allow for us to build a greater terrain. I also learned that when you tell lies to yourself, they will overflow to the people who know & love you, they will believe you & that is not always a good thing. Honesty rules.
Thank You To Everyone Who Read & Responded To My Last Secret Post. ILYA.


sammyray said...

Interesting post. Of course, I just lied to my Mom about not being able to make it to a drunken family function, so now I feel guilty.

Thanks a lot.

mist1 said...

I never got over the lying. I was inspired by my best friend who wore a sling to school one day. I wrapped myself in an Ace bandage the following week.

Deepak Gopi said...

Very interesting.
I told lies when I bunked school and went to movies.At last my father and mother found out.:(

Doug said...

I've never enjoyed lying at all. I tried it once and thought I would receive great praise for a stupid story I made up but didn't and that started and ended my outrageous lies. It makes you less of a person when you lie. Of course it doesn't make me very popular either when I tell somebody something they didn't want to hear. I'm really trying to stop even telling white lies. In fact my friend Lew (who has a blog and should post more often, unrelated subject, sorry) has recommend to me I should talk to his senior pastor and I plan on talking to him today. Currently I hardly even tell white lies. It's liberating but it also makes for a lonely existence, but at least I can go to bed with a clear conscious.

glorybe said...

I will never understand how people can be so cruel, even children.

I just cried and cowered when they came for me. I could never think quickly enough to come up with something to say.

Now I stand up for myself...but I can still get surprised by a blow that comes out of nowhere...and it still hurts like hell.

*Hugs*, Skinny, and thanks for sharing your story. *Wishing I could wave a magic wand and make the painful part go away..poof*

Orhan Kahn said...

When I was a little girl I learned & developed this skinny little attitude that allows me to accept that some people are uncomfortable with love & honesty.

Amen, sister. It is a sad reality.

TheBirdman33 said...

I decided really early on in life that I am too lazy to lie to people. So I don't have to try to remember a made up story or different versions of different stores I told to different people, I never lie to anyone about anything. I would like to say it works for me, but it really doesn't. Because I can be taken at face value and expect to be, I treat people the same way and that has been used against me in personal relationships many times over the years by people who didn't live by my ethical code. lol

Anonymous said...

Hi! Found your blog via Deepak, and I just wanted to say that I really liked it! You write so well! I will definitely bookmark you.

Hugs from Monsoon in Norway

Mel said...

Interestingly enough--I thought a Barbie would make me 'like' the other kiddos. I never got the Barbie.

And I've never given a Barbie.

For me, honesty is the foundation of every relationship. Without that--you're building on quicksand.

skinnylittleblonde said...

SammyRay~LOL, Somehow I think you'll be ok....Cats in the cradle with the silver spoon (old song about growing up to be like our parents):)
Mist1~LOL, I bet you still whip that sling out when a good shoe sale is on & your scheduled for a meeting!
Deepak~ LOL, In third grade I also changed a C on my report card to an A.
Doug~Good Luck meeting with the pastor today. i have read some of your post on your brutal honesty. Sometimes it hurts.
Glorybe~Hugs to you. yes, kids can be mean, but they really are just learning. Some 'kids' never seem to learn ;)
Orhan~As always, TY. Truth is the fondation of the most healthy's hard sometimes, but always worth it.
Birdman~ You are right. It can become a tangled web filled with sticky little words.
Monsoon~ Thank you for coming by. Deepak is a worldly gut/model/actor/teacher... bringing so many of us together.

Mel~we are posting simultaneously:) Word moderator just bounced me back.
Yes, yes, yes! Honesty is the fondation!

Anonymous said...

As a child I used to lie to get out of sticky situations but I remember how bad it made me feel whenever I did.It provided a temporary escape from something I didn't want to face but ultimately used to end up making me feel a lot more worse especially when lied to people who loved me.It took me a while to get over that phase but I did.You can never lie to people you love and be able to face yourself.

Pixie said...

I am a terrible Liar , it's written all over my face when i lie and then I agonise over it for hours after, so now rather then wait to be found out I just own up right away- Honesty is the best policy and all that.

I used to lie as a kid because I grew up with my grandmother who believed int the "bear essentials" I never got new clothes, never got the lastest toys no birthday partys etc etc. When asked why I wore clothes that were drab ans in most cases boys I would hold my head high and feign no interest in the frilly fancy dresses the girls wore, but deep down I did..

Now I look back on it with the view that they are the shallow people judging others by what they have /how they look and I try not to ever do the same myself.

Great post!

Baron Ectar said...

I told lies to say what I did not want for Christmas - they always got me the opposite!

:) nice post - you are right - Honesty Rules!

vicci said...

I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Normally, your shit gets stale but you really knocked yourself out here. I was fascinated. I'll have to re-read this.

Yes, I love you, too. Me also. Very nice stuff here. The bar has been raised!

Kilroy_60 said...

Those lessons learned as young ones can be well times - whether we want them to or not - stand out like a sore thumb. {well done}

I have your link posted at Fear And Loathing - The Gonzo Papers. I will add you to Fear And Loathing now.

Hopefully sooner than later you'll come for a look at Gonzo and let me know what you think. 8-)

skinnylittleblonde said...

Fuzzy~ LOL, anytime I lied to get out of trouble I always got myself in more trouble. By the time I was in middle school, I just took the rap.
Pixie~ I agree with your perspective on shallowness & I, like, you am a terrible liar...the truth always comes out. it's funny how I can keep someone elses secrets forever, but can never keep one of my own.
Baron~ Aha, reverse psychology ...since I am bass-ackwards maybe I should have tried that.LOL.
Vicci~ Oh, you are so adored girl & with good reason.
Matt~ LOL, my shit doesn't get stale ... if left out too long it gets hard as a rock, so you better watch out. Remember I am defiant & may opt to throw some your way. LOL, I'm kidding & I'm glad you enjoyed a post of mine.
Kilroy~ Thanks for bouncing in. I just checked out your link & found your post to be ironic. TY. :)