Faces of Me

The many faces of me...change with time.
Skinny, Little Blonde.
Freak.
Conservative.
Geek.
Liberal.
Hippie.
Goldie.
Rebel.
Free-spirit.
Brat.
Natural.
Tom-boy.

When I was a little girl, I had some adults tell me that I reminded them of a girl called 'Twiggy.'
I also, had a lot of kids that called me a Tom-Boy.
In sixth grade, I had a boy call me 'white trash' because I wore my brothers' clothes.
At another school, in another state, I had a group a girls call me a 'prep' because I was a cheer-leader for 4 mos.
In high school, I had a boy tell me I looked like a 'beach-bunny.'
Same year, another school in yet another state, I was called a 'freak.'
In college, I was told that I looked like a 'librarian'
I was also told that I danced like an 'old hippy.'

I have been told that I look like Goldie Hawn, Olive Oyl & Uma Thurman.
I have been told I look homely & sick.
And I have been told I look natural & happy.
I have been told that I come off as aloof, blunt and a 'do-it-yourselfer.'
First impressions & misconceptions...
One of my best friends initially thought I must be a slut because I hung out with a bunch of guys... plus I was skinny and a blonde.
I have had strangers try to turn me into a victim of their violence because they perceived me to be 'weak.'
I have had superiors try to hold me back because they saw me as 'flighty.'
I have had authority figures stalk me because they perceive me to be 'bad & up to no good.'
I have had mechanics & others try to rake me across the coals financially because they perceived me as 'dumb'
I have had people confide in me the darkest secrets of their souls upon meeting me because they perceived me to be 'open.'
I'm all of these, but in reality, not as they it.

I, like anyone reading this, have been labeled 1001 things.
perceptions, misconceptions & reflections.
We all get labeled.

Our labels change with time, circumstance, place & company. Some of these perceptions are misconceptions and some are reflections. Some are reflections of ourselves & some are reflections of those around us.

In sixth grade, when that boy called me 'white trash' I wanted to re-invent myself. I had been at the school for over a year, I was considered a Tom-Boy and I got into a lot of fights. I wasn't real happy.

When we moved to another state, I re-invented myself, kind of. I promised myself I would not fight and I would wear clothes that were more 'girly.' I promptly tried out for cheer-leading and although I didn't find my niche in life, I did discover that with a change and a choice... the perceptions of me from the world around me could change. Maybe not in entirety, but some.

I learned that how people perceive you, dictates how they treat you. I learned that how people treat you affects how you perceive the world. I learned that I am still me no matter where I go.

I have learned that when I feel sexy, I look sexy.
I have learned that when I feel determined, I seem empowered.
But I have also learned that people come into our worlds carrying their own personal stereotypes and that their first impressions of you can be dictated by that & not at all by you. only time, exposure & experience can whittle that away. And I know that it can be whittled down...I have done it.

I believe in the color-wheel theory.
I believe that I embody all colors of the rainbow and all the colors in between.
I believe you do, too.
I believe that time and circumstances, as well as personal choice or immediate need, may dictate what colors you may see in me & what colors I am allowing to shine through.
I believe some people are color-blind and for all the reds and yellows I emit, they can only see blacks and blues.
I believe that 99% of communication is interpretation and that communication begins before we even speak.
I believe that on some levels, I pick & choose what colors come flying out of me.
Sometimes I hold colors back, usually out of fear & insecurity, self-preservation and sometimes even, self-promotion.
Some colors, I hold close to my heart & share only with those closest to me.
Some colors just fly.
I have learned that escapism, won't let me escape the fibers of color that form the blanket that cover me....my personal & spiritual skin stay with me where-ever I go. Pills, alcohol, depressive sleep won't take that away. But I have learned that a choice & a change can change the vibrancy of these colors and how clearly I can see myself, as well, as how clearly others can perceive me.

This post was written for someone whose color-wheels are spinning....someone who's allowing the outside world to define their colors, as opposed to allowing their inner-colors shine out & bounce back in a prism effect...someone who feels like their inner-colors are bouncing so fast and hard within themselves that they might actually fear what will happen when these colors come out for the world to see... someone who see's life as being black & white when it's really full-color... someone who wants and needs to make a choice and a change.

I look at you and I see a color-wheel spinning...I see all kinds of colors in flits & flurries bouncing around in your black & white world. I hear you screaming that you want to make a change & a choice and I understand how it's sometimes difficult to pull fresh colors to the surface when all around you seems so dark...like the outside world is sucking up all of your colors, some of which are fresh & new for you, and just painting you black. I understand how sometimes the world defines who we are but I believe we can change those perceptions on some levels. I believe in you and all of your colors. I believe that when we deprive the world of all of our colors, we are depriving ourselves & in essence, living a lie. I believe those colors are busting to come loose.

I believe there is a lover out there waiting to see your shades of red and an employer just waiting to see your greens. There's a friend waiting to see your yellows and a family member waiting to see your rainbow. Likewise, I believe there are those waiting to see all your shades of black, knowing that black will consume all colors.

Through-out this entire post I have made statements, I have shared experiences and convictions of my own... But now, I'd like to ask a question and make a proposition... What's holding you back? Where's the fear?

Make a list, be honest& be true.
I propose that if you can define what is holding you back...
then you can work on resolution to them.
I believe that in those resolutions you will start to let your colors fly...