Friday, May 04, 2007

It's two in the morning and all seems calm.
The moon is full & the mockingbird sings her songs.
Two dogs are in & three more are still out.

The moon is full & my husband is passed out, sitting upright. His head is resting on his left shoulder, a warm beer can is still coiled up in his soiled working-man fingers. The chainsaw in his head occassionally turns into a horrific sounding gurgle. The sounds of his own snoring will not wake him. I gently try to urge my passed-out partner to awaken & get into bed, but it's no avail.

In the distance, dogs begin to bark. Like an assembly line passing buckets of water to a burning house, the sound of barking dogs travels up the road.
Sshh...
I Stop.
I Listen.

We double our neighborhood average of 2.5 dogs per household & in the wee hours of the night, the dogs in the 'hood provide a virtual radar of who or what is going where.
Something is coming down the road.
I look at the clock
2:10am
My three dogs out back begin to really let loose.
Barking.
Ferocious barking.

No howling... so I know it's not sirens in the distance causing thier uproar
No yodeling...so no cat, possum or another dog passing by.

Nope, just insane, rabid sounding barks.
The two dogs inside begin to chide in.
TimmyToes just keeps on snoring.

I can no longer hear the dogs in the distance.
The disturbance of the neighborhood has neared.
This disturbance is the worst kind... I just know it. It's gotta be the humankind.
And whoever it is, they are unwelcomed & unwanted.

I open my back door to try to lure three dogs in. Instead, the two dogs inside bumrush me to get out back, where the clamoring continues.

I go back to TimmyToes but his snores simply continue to rattle the air.
"Wake Up Timmy! Baby it's quarter after two...now get up!"

I look out the front window & I see her.

She's flying like a ghost up the street... except, she didn't look haunted.
She was looking down at the ground before her & she seemed full of intent.
I went to my front door and watched as she made the abrupt left up my walkway.
My right hand wraps around the Louisville slugger as my left hand grabs the front doorknob.
Suddenly the ghost-like figure looks more doe-eyed than anything else & she stops in her tracks.

"Hurry up, come on inside."
"What are you doing up?"
"Who's out there?"
"I don't know"
"Whats going on? "
"Well..."
"Let me wake Timmy"

Ten minutes later, a still drunk & 1/2 asleep Timmy stumbles barefoot & in his boxerbriefs out the back door to fetch a ladder.

Cigarettes are lit at the kitchen tables & tea is poured. Ten more minutes pass & the dogs have not eased up, nor has Timmy returned to tell us the ladder is in place. She lights another ciggie & I tell her we gotta find Timmy. It's nearing three in the morning.

We make it down to her front property line when all of a sudden we hear the roar of an engine & before we can even completely spin around & look up...Bam!

In the blink of an eye we were blinded by a bright white spotlight.
We hear the car door & see the silhouette, toting a flashlight fixated on us, drawing near.

I start to giggle....

Timmytoes isn't the only one roaming the neighbor in his underwear/sleepwear @ 3 in the morning.

"Have you ladies seen any suspicious characters running around this area?"
"Oh, you know, it's probably my husband. He's in his underwear & has extension ladder. "
"Yeah, I locked myself out of the house & well, he should be here...but I don't see him. He probably looks pretty suspicious though."
Giggles.
Spotlights flash from the alleyway now too & of course, more giggles...
"Ladies we are looking for two black men that are traveling on foot. Someone reported seeing them in this area."
"Oh! Well, you know, like 45 minutes ago I thought I heard someone jump my chainlink which is why I went outside dressed like this & then, I locked myself out. That was a long time ago & I really didn't see any..."

The front door flies open & simultaneously we hear...'GET DOWN ON THE GROUND. STAY DOWN ON THE GROUND!'

Timmytoes emerged from the house & two men were jostled from the neglected & overgrown shrubs in which they'd been hiding. Their white tee's had been found in another neighbors' yard.

Bless their law-breaking, been busted, 'I was scared' & shed my shirt to hide in the bushes asses...
those bushes were poison ivy.

31 comments:

wreckless said...

Cool story. I can't imagine being you though. I think you out to think about getting two new friends Smith and Wesson. They would be excellent back up for your Louiville slugger.

singleton said...

LOL! Poisen ivey! Get 'em where it hurts!
ILYSVVMSLB!

vicci said...

Holy smokes...what were those two up to anyway???// The doggies are no fools! and poison ivy...got them good...the dogs here are usually barking at another animal...deer...skunk....coyote...fox....cat...we live about a mile back off of the main road...where NO MAN should be late at night!
PS I wouldn't be able to wake up Andy either.....

Hammer said...

I've had nights like that. Smith and Wesson is comforting when investigating wild outside noises in the dark.

Patti said...

thanks for the good wishes...and ha! on the dudes...

Shrink wrapped scream said...

Bloody hell girl,

Scared the be-jesus outta me!!

I've found a writer. Pleased to make your acquaintance. I look forward to drinking from this pool again..

skinnylittleblonde said...

wreckless~ Lol, I leave the guns to Timmytoes and I'm thankful he was 1/2 drunk and asleep or he would of had his with him. He was about 5' away from these guys when he was breaking into her house.

Singleton~ Lol, yes...I am sure they learned a valuable lesson...'never fool with Mother Nature.'

Vicci~ One day we will get further out into the country. For now, the ghetto in a small town will just have to do. The dogs throughout the whole neighborhood really do alert us as to who is going where:) And they really do have different barks for different things.

Hammer~ Only once did I go out with a gun, that was 10+ years ago in the country off of a dirt road & I was alone with two small kids & no dogs. I put them in the closet with the sofa cushions & went on out. Lol, just give me peace or else I'll just have to take it.

Patti~ TY for coming by, you will have to keep us updated! My DH came home w/ Marquatita's tonight...I'll meet you out back, you can bring the fancy twirly straws ;) and we'll celebrate your success!

skinnylittleblonde said...

shrink wrapped cream ~ lol, this pool is serving marquarita's...so come take a sip & a dip! ;)

kj said...

you gotta be kidding, skinny!

JR's Thumbprints said...

Send them my way so I can teach them a lesson.

skinnylittleblonde said...

kj~ Nope. Not kidding. I could write a book about the experiences from this neighborhood...when I moved here I stepped out of the real world and into a wanna-be Stephen King novel, at least that's what I have been saying for 7 years now.

jr's thumbprints~ I'm sure they are on their way...in the meantime, their learning about Mother Nature!

mindy said...

did someone say margaritas?
i'm so there.

Bardouble29 said...

OMG, this is the best blog I have read in a while. You always make me smile when I read.

Mel said...

Gives a whole new meaning to the word 'justice'.

Silly fellas......I bet they're just 'itching' to get outta jail by now. LOL

Angela Marie said...

That is CrAzY!!!

Those two had it coming!

Ummmm... do we have the same husband? I can never get him to come to bed after he has drank and fallen to sleep! grrrr

Nithya N said...

a pool of margarita!!!!imagine!!! i would jump right in head first.

This disturbance is the worst kind... I just know it. It's gotta be the humankind.

you get 10 on 10 for that logical reasoning :)

SpongyBones said...

Thank God I sleep heavy. Me in my underwear would get me arrested! If you know what I mean. I dig your stories!

skinnylittleblonde said...

Mindy~ They add a great balance to life, don't they? Salt on the rim for you or just a squeeze of lime?

Bardouble~ :) TY, but really, my dear, you need to get out & read more...there's a lot of prized stuff out there! This is just ramblings from my little spot in the world.

Angela Marie~ LOL...we are not alone! Funny, when I drink & feel like crashing out I go to bed...Timmytoes crashes right where he is, usually holding his beer & sometimes mid-sentence. He sleeps hard...remember my St. Patty's day pic? LOL!!!

nithya~ Swimming, Diving & Dipping!!! Lol @ the 10 for 10. Sometimes people are the worst predators of all.

Spongy~ Had you been here, I would have invested 30 minutes into waking you up & yes, I would have sent you out in your underwear, however I, in my pantaloons & tank top, would never allow anyone to take you away!

singleton said...

SLB....you wild child, only you, ONLY you would be wearing pantaloons in the year 2007!
ILYSVVM CWTSY June, baby!

I, like the view said...

at band we sing Poison Ivy. . .

measles make you bumpy, mupms'll make you lumpy, poison ivy's love'll make you itch!"

great story!

skinnylittleblonde said...

Singleton~ Lol...I'll be bringing my pantaloons!

ILTV~ :) The song is sooooo true! TY!

piktor said...

Skinny, the Spilled blog will have frequent entries by me and Itkupilli, so visit often!

Fuzzylogic said...

You always have some wonderful tales in your kitty Skinny and boy do I love them:)I'm off now for my vacation,will try to pop inbetween if possible if not will probably see you in a month:)take care Skinny.

mindy said...

salt and lime please.

she said...

suspense & humor & happy endings
~great for breakfast! thank you!

KitLiz said...

That's karma! What a great story.

Scott from Oregon said...

There is something about cops and poison ivy that make me itchy...

I need hypnosis.

piktor said...

Skinny, I left the Spilled blog.

The stuff I did for that blog you can see here:

http://thiscupremoveth.blogspot.com/

I'm still building the blog's look.

Slick said...

Ha...sounds like they got what they deserve. Out runnin' around so late at night.

Remind me to stay out of your neighborhood late at night

skinnylittleblonde said...

Piktor~ My time & energy has been so scattered of late, visiting often may be hard to do...but visit, I will! I seem to be able to truly bounce about 1-2x a week max anymore.Thank you for your thoughtfullness!

Fuzzy~ Good Times! Enjoy, enjoy enjoy! Can't wait to hear your tales upon your return!

Mindy~ The bartender hubby will have no problems! You take yours same as I take mine!

she~ TY for bopping in. I thought it was funny... just the latest in 'Tales from the Ghetto' ;)

kitliz~ Karma indeed. Lol. Some folks say ignorance is bliss, but not in this case!

Scott~ Hahaha...I am thus far lucky to be part of the 10% who is NOT allergic to poison ivy...but cops make my skin crawl, when they are not giving me the giggles. Hypnosis scares me...some things are best left unknown ;)

Piktor~ TY for the heads up... I'm on my way baby!

Slick~ LoL, seven years ago when I moved here, it was just me & my dogs & I literally thought I stepped right into a Stephen King novel... but dawg, do I love my little ghetto!

Anne said...

LMAO! I love it when some people get their comeuppance. What a great story, and you tell it so well, like a suspense thriller! :D