Monday, January 29, 2007

And then I used HIS Name in Vain & Some

(continuation of 'No I did NOT meet Jesus in a bar')
So, with his long legs & my spatula like hips I flipped this fellow to the floor. After apologies, I went on my way, fluttering back to the dance floor.
At quitting time, my girlfriend & I ventured to the door. I could hear feet pattering up behind me & it was him. He wanted us to go to breakfast with him, which we did. He wanted my phone number.
Uh, no way...even if I did think you were Jesus, I'm not giving that out. Thirty minutes later & about thirty minutes before the sun rose, I tucked his phone number into the back pocket of my well-worn, hand-me-down Levi's.
About two weeks later, I called him. We talked on the phone for about a month. Finally we decided to meet one another out. He lived closer to the city & I let him pick the place, I'd be there.
I ventured the 45 miles south to the city & found myself pulling up to a restruant/bar which seemed to be standing room only... about 45 minutes late. I weaved my way through the patrons on the deck & into the bar.
Oh Crud! It's two stories tall inside...wall to wall people, mainly men... mainly men with long hair, many of which, in my current sober eyes I could see as looking like the fellow I'd met a month and a half earlier.
Unsure of what to do, I snaked my way to the bar where a gentleman actually gave up a stool for me. I ordered a beer...it was a dime! What?! A dime?! What is going on?!
The bartender explained.... it was Ladies Night, Progressive. No cover for women, 10 cent beer, oysters & wings for the first hour, 25cents the second hour, fifty cents the third and one dollar til closing.
Great market scheme: bring the girls in free, offer very cheap eats & drinks and the men will follow....lots of them, too! Hmmm.... I ordered a beer & a dozen oysters.
After finishing my dozen & brewsky, I scanned the crowd looking for 'Jesus,' whose actual name was Ricky and whom I called Ricky-Man.
The fellow beside me said you look like you are looking for someone. That I am! I told him the story & explained how I was perplexed as I really couldn't remember what he looked like ... other than the fact that he looked like Jesus.
Great ~ he was going to help me find Ricky-Man! He spotted a fellow with long flowing brown hair & soft looking skin scanning the bar & pointed him out to me. 'He's looking for someone... it might be you & maybe all he can remember is that you were some skinny little blonde.'
OK. I approach this fellow with an 'Excuse me....are you Ricky-Man?' smile.
He smiles right back & quickly replies....'I don't know....should I be?' I laugh & walk away. He follows me.
I end up telling him about my search for Ricky-Man & he decides he'll hang and help me find my date.
Thirty minutes, another dozen and another beer down...I spot Ricky-Man. I point him out then race to greet him 'Hey! You are Ricky-Man, aren't you?'
Quickly he replied, 'Well, if I wasn't before I am now.'
Hmmmm..... this is not my Ricky-Man!
I apologize for the confusion & walk back to the bar.
He follows.
We tell him the story & he decides to join us in the quest to find the guy who looks like Jesus.
Ok, well no Ricky-Man, but I am having fun... these fellows are nice enough so I settle into a night of good-times with new friends when I see someone out of the corner of my eye.
It's him! I spin in my stool & throw my bony arm out, like a stop sign on a school bus & scream "Ricky-man!" Suddenly stopped, this man turns to me & says 'No it's Rick, not Ricky. Do I know you?'
Ummmm, no. You don't, I'm sorry. Have a good time man
Ahhhh, man! I'm having fun...but I am disappointed. I want to see my Ricky-Man!
I'm about to give up, it's 11 o'clock...I've had several beers & lots of good eats & now have a party of three with me when I notice this one fellow sitting there with his friends staring me down. I wonder is this him? Has he just been sitting back in the shadows this whole time, watching me?
Rick, not Ricky, comes up & disturbs this little daydream...' So, who is Ricky-Man & why did you think I was him?'
While I repeat my story one more time, I am ever aware of this long-haired fellow in the corner booth checking out my every move. Hmpft! It's gotta be him.
So I order another beer & confide in my new found co-horts that I believe I found him & that he has been watching me make an ass out of myself all night long.
They say, ' Well then, eff him!'
I agree. For a minute.
Then I get up & march over to this booth. There are several guys sipping on brewskies there, but the one fellows smile grew as I came from the bar towards the table. Yep, that's him alright.
'So, have you been enjoying watching me go on this wild goose chase?'
Laughter bellows out of him, then quietly he says 'Matter of fact, I have.'
'I can't beleive you!'
He laughs again, 'It's all good. Here sit down.'
I tell him, 'No I can't. I have people here with me now...there's not room for all of us.'
And I saunter my way back to my cohorts to tell them that I was right... he was there the whole time, just watching & laughing!
They crack up laughing & ask me what I planned on doing? Nothing.
Then they pointed up that my Ricky-Man was gone.
Bastard.
Only he returned with stacks of chairs under his arms, which he pushed in around his booth full of buddies. He came up to the bar & invited me & all of my cohorts to join them.
How nice! So, we all trapsed over & before you knew it, we were enthralled in a good old fashioned game of quarters...me and about 8 long-haired, Jesus-look-alike Ricky-Mans.
Not long before closing, I looked up & gasped at what I saw. It was Ricky-man...the real Ricky-Mann. One look & I knew.
I turn to the fellow who had hid in the shadows 'You're not Ricky-Man are you?'
He laughed, 'Girl, I am whoever you want me to be, but my real name is Mike.'
OMG! What to do! I was frozen. I watched as Ricky-Man walked through the bar. My table was dying with laughter.
One of them said 'Well, well, well...there he is. Are you going to go get him, like you got all of us?'
Nah.... he's late, very late & I'm having fun! I tuck my head into Mike's shoulder as he walks by our table on his way out.
Jesus leaves the bar.
The guys make a toast... to the best pickup line ever...

'Excuse me... are you Ricky Man?'



23 comments:

Matt said...

What a braggart!

mig bardsley said...

OMG. I nearly died laughing :) that's one of the best ever bar/pick-up/ Jesus/dating/ you name it stories I ever heard :)

Actually it's the absolute best!

Slick said...

Ha...funny.

Dude missed out...

I'm thinking of growing me a beard and long hair now.

Baron Ectar said...

Okay now I know I need to grow my hair out long and change my name - and I will kep my ears and eyes open for some hottie that looks like she is lost!

I love your stories!

Every single woman should memorize this number to give to men they do not want calling them - I kid you not call this number you will love it - 414-243-1102 (its a recording called the rejection hotline)

photo blog girl said...

Whoa, rejection hotline...is that for real? I love this story. Men don't usually know how to react when it seems like a woman is using a pickup line in a bar.

Mel said...

ROFL

What a classic--definitely worthy of not repeating, ever. LOL
Priceless---absolutely priceless!

singleton said...

OMG sister, some stories live on and on and on....
getting better with ever line....

And that line, reincarnated many times over time....did just that!

Cheers!

skinnylittleblonde said...

Matt~ Your just jealous that you didn't come up with the best pick-up line ever. I know you like to go out & party...try smiling a lot & asking everyone you make eye contact with if they are Sally & lemme know if the line is transgender!

Mig~ TY, sad but true story. The fact is that I rarely dated in my twenties, but when those guys made that toast...I knew I was onto something.

Slick~ Go for it, if that's what you want! You never can tell, you might really like it or you might change someone's life!

Barron~ LoL, really I think you got it...keeping one's eyes & ears open is all it takes. If someone makes eye contact...smile! If they smile back...speak! Lol, the world is full of Ricky-Man's but there's only one you!

PhotoBlogGirl~ The rejection hot-line is for real. Call it & you will hear an obnoxious tape saying 'you are rejected.' Personally, I just wouldn't give my number out...and only rarely would I take one. Less often would I actually call. I wonder if those guys thought it was a true pick-up line or just something that evolved into a pick-up line.

Mel~ OK, I won't tell anyone else. LOL...my secret is safe here though, right?

Singleton~ Cheers to you! You will have to continue this story on the Hippie Parade ... one day.

Fuzzylogic said...

Lol,this was indeed the best bar/pickup story I have ever heard!good one Skinny.As I was reading I kept thinking "ok,now she found that Ricky guy" and then I was in for surprise and it kept getting better!Loved it:)

Behind Blue Eyes said...

Truthfully, if I went into a bar and everyone there was so identical that they all looked like Jesus, I would be afraid that I had accidently walked into some kind of human cloning experiment or something. I definitely would be careful not to leave any of my DNA floating around! They didn't all have identical voices too did they?

skinnylittleblonde said...

Fuzzy~ That's what I was thinking too! So much for meeting a fellow out when you only met him once, while intoxicated, a month and a half earlier. LOL.

BBE~ These guys were far from identical. It was during the grunge phase & they did all have long brown hair. No, their voices were not all the same and in fact it was often the voice that told me "nope, not him," except for Mike...his voice was very similar. And on a final note, ummm, if I left any DNA anywhere it was from my lips to the beer bottle. It turned out to be quite a fun & friendly evening but not one where any DNA was swapped!

Orhan Kahn said...

Aw. From the beginning I knew he'd do that. You just seem like the kind of person ripe for a friendly prank ;)

lotusblossoms51 said...

...hmmm I believe the guys call those hips "six shooters" Cute huh... I thought so:)

Anonymous said...

I hope my comment posts.

Truthfully, 'If' seems to be a mighty big word for some people.

We had to read both stories. great tales. very funny!

Can we borrow that line one day? (for entertainment purposes only)

Kathy & Cathy

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I just remembered why I don't go to bars!

skinnylittleblonde said...

Orhan~
LOL, Good thing you live on the other side of the world! ;)

Lotus~
LOL, there are some things I will never understand...

Kathy & Cathy~
Glad yawl enjoyed! If you two wild women go out, feel free to use ... but use with caution. LOL.

Lightning~
Yep! As fun as this one night was, it was nothing I'd like to do regularly. That was many moons ago...I'd say about 15 years ago at least. LOL...I'm sure you have some great tales to spin yourself.

psycho-therapist said...

too too funny!!! i'll have to write my 3 jesus' story one night.
you always make my day! this summer, we are definitely gonna have to meet and hang out.
lisa

Angela Marie said...

You Are so Funny!! This made me lol!!

I, like the view said...

I love the rainbow on this post!

skinnylittleblonde said...

Psycho~ :) I can't wait...
Angela ~ Glad to make you laugh...you have such a beautiful smile!
ILTV~ You are so perceptive! TY.

kate said...

omg what a great story!!!

will the real 'Ricky-man ' please stand up! lol

slaghammer said...

Freaking hilarious. I hung out in lot’s of bars in my younger days and it was almost impossible to find anybody when everybody’s hair went halfway to their jean pockets. On crowded nights, you would see the same people wandering around all night long with confused looks on their faces, especially the not so tall ones. All they could see at any given time were three or four people max.

skinnylittleblonde said...

Kate~
I switched to blogger right after you left your comment & for a spell you turned to Anon...Glad your back! LOL, in hindsight, it was fun waiting for the real Ricky-Man to please stand up. Little did I know he would just sit there!
Slag...lol, we have got to be of the same age! The last time I went to a bar...I found the same thing to be ocurring with women...the all had the same hair color & style.