Saturday, July 14, 2007

This Can Fly

I met this guy in high school & while I clearly remember his poetic blue eyes that teared up when he laughed & his-ever-so-serious its-the-end-of-the-world attitude, I had no idea how our lives would cross again and again. He became one of my best friends.
But time brings change.
After his time in the Marines & his first failed marriage, we quickly bonded again...spending day after day entertaining ourselves in the simplest of fashions...usually soul-searching.
Then, one Sunday night we went out & at the end of the night he told me he was leaving in two days for Virginia...to do the 'right' thing.
The next day I bought him 'Where the Sidewalk Ends' by Shel Silverstein.
I stuck a small note in the cover... 'Call me if you need me or ever just want to'
and I never heard from him again.
I moved away, went to college and graduated.
Years and years later, I saw him... on a Monday night.
He was renting, along with another guy from high school, a 5 bedroom, 4 story house in the city.
Tuesday night, I started moving in. An inverted Three's Company.
The timing was perfect for me & over the course of the next 3 years, I found these two to be some of the best room-mates I had ever had.
I also found one of my best-friends all over again.
Then one day, I told them I was moving out.
Shortly thereafter, they each moved their own way.
Each of us soon met our spouses-to-be.
My husband, then my fiancee, and I invited my friend over to cook-out. My husband had met him before, but he, nor I , had met his recent girlfriend quickly turned wife.
He said he'd call back.
The next night my phone rang.
It was him & he sounded hysterical. He was begging me & pleading with me, asking me to please explain, telling me I didn't understand, she didn't understand...
And I didn't understand. His speech was definitely impaired by his upset-edness.
Then he said 'I love her...please explain our relationship honestly to her' and he passed the phone to one unwilling listener.
My heart broke for him. She was fit for Jerry Springer, she was so upset with her missed convictions
I told her we had never been anything but friends. She said 'Impossible! High school? Living together!'
I told her I had seen him through girlfriends & marriages, the Marines & job changes. Dripping with sarcasm, she said 'I'm sure that's not all you've seen'
I told her that he was a dear friend & that a friend of his was a friend of mine & she said 'whatever!'
I told her I was engaged & that the only reason I had called the night before was to invite them over for a cook-out...where she could meet my fiancee. She said 'Likely story!'
I even put my fiancee on the phone with her.
She asked him if I put him up to it & if he was really some gay neighbor getting paid to lie.
I took the phone back and asked to speak back to my friend one last time.
She cussed as she flung the phone at him.
I told him that this was the end of the sidewalk for us for now & that should he ever need me or even just want to, to call me. I'd always support him on his choices. He was a good man and a good friend.
He said 'Thanks for understanding.'
And that was truly the last time I ever spoke to him.
That was almost five years ago.
I would've known him twenty-five years now.
If his wife is still his wife, I hope she knows that none of us ever lied to her... and most importantly, he didn't lie.
We were only friends... Mitch Jolley & I.
I hope he knows that the only reason I let it go like that was because although we were only friends, I considered him to be one of my best friends & I loved him... and he had married her & she would never understand... we were only friends.

53 comments:

singleton said...

let it fly, baby...a paper kite....
in the soulful wind....
"He said 'Thanks."...
and he will again....
ILYSVVFM

skinnylittleblonde said...

Sister...you are so quick...even a perfectly good bike falling on your noggin couldn't slow you down! :) That's how friendships end up lasting a lifetime...by letting go, but always being there.

kj said...

your sister said this better than anyone else could. it is so sad when love has a permanent space in your heart but just that. but you also never know, skinny: time has a funny way of writing new chapters.

your friend knows you are there. i can't imagine he is happy with this woman. and maybe one day you will hear his voice and know you have been a anchor and friend for him all these years...

skinnylittleblonde said...

KJ~ when love has a permanent space in your heart but just that...time has a funny way of writing new chapters.
Very sage words KJ....although, I don't know that it is so sad, at least in this given situation ;)
I really believe that lifelong friendships and relationships require us to sometimes pull back so that the other party can have the time and/or space to do whatever it is that that want or need to do. And just because one party steps out and the other steps away, doesn't mean that either one of them have ever really locked the doors shut behind themselves.
Thanks for such a thoughtful comment KJ...your words are greatly appreciated, as they have helped to keep this mind well oiled.

Anonymous said...

Persichetti says...

It was you my friend who taught me (with your wise words)...forever does not always mean "together" forever and that time and space between people who ultimately end up in "forever" might actually be a good thing.

skinnylittleblonde said...

Oh Persichetti...
My dear Sweet Beautiful precious love! Your ears must have been burning! I was thinking all about you last night & had someone been here to listen to me ramble, i would have been talking about you & our good times, the lessons we learned together...as I had just the night before! Hahaha...remember all of our well thought out ideas on 'serial monogamy' as an American reality, despite the notion of it not being an ideology...I guess this post kinda ties into that as well. Wish I could meet you at Toni & Joes beachside or at the local Dunkin Donuts girl! I miss you much and love you even more!

just me said...

Its really hard to watch good friends suffer in miserable relationships and find you are absolutely helpless to do anything about it. I hope he came to his senses and moved as far away from this clinging, jealous vine as he could.

Sad story. Makes me think of all the friends I've known and loved, where are they now, I haven't a clue.

Angela Marie said...

I so understand this... I married my best friends brother. We were always there for eachother. A lot of people don't understand these kind of "friendships." Charlies other brother and sister were some of these people, and made it unbearable at times. They did not want to accept that Bruce and I were JUST friends.

I will never forget my husbands mothers words that she whispered into my ears as she was hugging me right after the ceremony..."Two of my son's love you... there is something to be said in just that."

Charlie only had his parents and Bruce show up to our wedding. Bruce was the best man. His parents came because Charlie had a "talk" with them. Our Wedding pictures with his parents were a joke.

It is sad that certain people can not get passed their own insecurities and make it ugly for others.

Bruce died in a motorcycle accident. That is when things changed for our family... sad ending, a lot of hurt feelings. But, the truth was seen. People can be so stupid.

You and your friend know what you had, no one can take that away from you. NO ONE!

JustRun said...

I will never understand those women... it's as if they want something to be wrong.
I wonder if some other man did that "to them" or if they've simply done it to themselves.

eric313 said...

Jealous took hold of her; she couldn't even see anything but what she wanted to see. It's really sad that he's stuck with her instead of being able to have friends like you had always been. Peace will win in the end, for you and your friend.

She was blind, and even the light couldn't help her see. Keep writng from your soul and experience with simple trths like this, my friend. And ramble! I ramble too! It's awesome when you ramble about anything, slb. It's not rambling if it gets read!

It's love if you can let it go. Just like friendships. You have to let them go, too. And maybe one day when the rain howls through the desert after a thousand years, it blossoms again. You'll be there, girl, to see flowers exlpolde in their prisms of love.

eric313 said...

p~l
clink! tink!

Mel said...

Oh, to be loved that much.

He's a lucky fella.
And I'm pretty convinced you're equally as graced for what you had and still have.

skinnylittleblonde said...

Just me~ Ironic how what I saw as manipulative mind play, he saw as love, conviction & ignorance. I have no idea whether they are together still or not. Either way, if he called upon me with a reasonable need, I would be there.

Angela Marie~ Unbelievable! Love takes so many forms & if we were to limit all of our love to simply those that we wish to partner up with, I believe the world just might stop spinning. Not all love, in fact perhaps most love, is not lustful at all. You touched down on another human fallacy ... that is that people have a tendency to look at others and predict that the other persons choices, actions, reactions would be the same as their own.

skinnylittleblonde said...

Justrun~ I really have no idea & imagine it could be a mixture of 100 different things, but I'd be willing to bet my bottom dollar that she has never had a long-lasting & purely platonic relationship with the opposite sex.

eric~ Choices were made, no doubt, however I never perceived it as being a situation where my friend was choosing one over another... more like different paths were chosen, as they invariably always are amongst friends. However, most of my friends from high school chose paths that still allow ours life paths to intersect. always p&l baby!

skinnylittleblonde said...

Mel~ Lol...I am so very blessed in so many ways with so many good, wonderful, enlightening & soulful people. I always have been...at least ever since I can remember. I meet so many people whose friends come & go & to them an 'old friend' is someone they have known for a year, maybe two. I am blessed to have such endearing folks in my life that when time comes around for me to stretch out or even kick & flounce around, they give me space & when it's time to draw close & huddle tight, they pull right in...never resenting our times apart. I try to do the same for them because I know in the long run, it is so well worth it.

piktor said...

Skinny, found your lost friends. See my blog.

eric313 said...

You now it, Skinny

That's what I meant by choices, was the paths, not realizing how far apart they takes us from each other until its too late. That's how we grow apart sometimes. I've lost many friends that way, too.

Detroit is dying, and everyone knows it, everyone moves out west or to Florida, nobody stays and sees to it as it coughs.

The D had over three million people in '65 and less than one million today. And the suburban area is now hit. The auto industry and everything connected with it and the people with those jobs are gone, except for a few factories. Lots of reasons to abandon this old city, over three hundred years old. But I love going to school in downtown Detroit and hanging around with friends in all the old empty streets. Relatively empty streets; they are nothing compared to how filled the once were, back when this city had work to do.

So have gone a lot of good people that I've met, along with the economy. Recently, too.

That's what makes you, SLB, and Sing and everyone I've met around here cool! You all filled a void in my life that I couldn't deal with alone. You became friends, and you were exactlt the kind of friends I needed. So vibrant and creative, and just...
just...
Free and easy going and soulful truths flowing like the redwine river.
Clink Tink!

Thank you and Singleton Blue Lady, too.

Anonymous said...

we need more pics of you

Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...

I am in no way a voyeur. But must remain anonymous. Just an admirer.

Anonymous said...

I have no clue who sent this again....it wasnt me....that is very odd



Anonymous said...

I am in no way a voyeur. But must remain anonymous. Just an admirer.

23:10

Anonymous said...

nevermind...i just figured out who sent it.....

Anonymous said...

might as well be twins

acid rains said...

"I would've known him twenty-five years now"
and you still do.....
time and space, it happens

skinnylittleblonde said...

Piktor~ I am sure that it is beautiful and/or hilarious, however my computer won't let me view :( I only got so far as the first eleven seconds.

Eric~ I have a friend from Detroit & he says much the same as you. his grandparents immigrated to the US from Poland & settled there. His mother is the only one left there now, as that is all she has known. I am glad to have gotten to know you...you dance with words like no-one else & I admire that bravery.

AcidRain~ Thanks for dropping in. Time & space bring change...and change is needed for growth...

skinnylittleblonde said...

All Anonymous Commenters ~
Might I suggest that you come up with your own distinct and anonymous signature so that I may tell who is saying what. There are other anonymous posters that do this & I have to say, at this point, I am quite confused & kinda freaked out. You can have anonyminity(sp) & individuality at the same time. I still may be freaked out but might not be so damn confused. WTF?

So...
Anonymous22:53~ please see comment left by anonymous 23:10?

Anonymous23:10~ are you sure of that?

Anonymous23:20~ re:I have no clue who sent this again Again? Did you say that originally?

Anonymous23:22~ I take it you are also Anonymous 23:20...does that mean you are you also Anonymous 22:53

Anonymous 23:24~ Who might as well be twins? Are you also Anonymous 23:10?

The Lad said...

Lucky Guy..
Very lucky :)

singleton said...

Hey, did I sleep through something? A parade of somekind? Pics? WTH? Because you, free lady, have not hit the security block that says "No annonymous posters allowed" it appears that they have all come out to run around without their names on! Weird....
Actually, very weird....
IMYSVVFM!

mindy said...

i lived with 2 guys in l.a.. one was my best friend since high school, the other, a guy we met that was from new zealand. we had a great time. i never once thought about being anything other than friends with them. i lived with another guy friend while i was in college. guys make the best roommates. they are low maintence, they don't fight over small stuff like borrowing clothes, or who used all the hairspray and i always felt safe with them. however, the big draw back is the jealous girlfriends. some girls just don't understand.

Nithya N said...

some people never understand. which is what makes me think it's wise to keep the ever green high school memories cherished in your heart rather than see it insulted and burnt right in front of your eyesby someone you love. being honest needn't mean submitting a summarised report of your whole life to your spouse...

skinnylittleblonde said...

The Lad~ Lucky Lass & Lucky Lad! ;)

Singleton~ Hahaha...you missed a parade! I thought it was weird & found myself up 1/2 the night wondering WTF, myself. Most anonymous posters are actually people I know, just not bloggers. I value & respect freedom of speech... this entire blog exemplifies my own personal freedom of speech.

Mindy~ Yes! They never did get into my personal stuff & never came home crying or all emotional. Mixed gender room-mates, I have to say are probably the best.

Nithya~ Good point. Apparently he had told her about me & she had decided she hated our relationship before I ever made that phone call. Shame life partners can't be open, honest, accepting & understanding.

she said...

beautiful writing...

i think you captured it in one of your comments back to readers

only people who have themselves experienced loving platonic relationships can understand and respect that relationship between others

and i gave that silverstein book to my daughter for her birthday.
-her favorite poet. but i've not read it myself; yet.

will now. thank you!

kj said...

skinny, i've been thinking about this post for several days. i'm into deep love these days. it makes me vulnerable but so much richer. however....i have to say that i HATE being apart from someone i love. it feels like a thoughtless trick played by fate.

i know the zen of attachment and detachment. i have a good good life. i accept missing and longing,but i wish it weren't so. and i hope good old fate has a few reuniting tricks up her sleeve.

ps it is great to see how non judgemental and kind you are about this situation. you are a good person, skinny. no doubt of that.

:)

Hammer said...

How sad. I lost my best friend to a woman like that. Twice.

what can you do?

skinnylittleblonde said...

She~ Thank you & yes, please read that book... you will love it!

KJ~ Amen to being vulnerable & rich... the opportunity costs is always well worth it. It's like when someone loses the dog that has stood unconditionally by their side and they say 'I'll never have another dog,' I can't help but hope & pray that they do in fact, get another dog. That unconditional love, coming & going, is so well worth all of the heartache when they get their wings. Deep Peace & Sweet Love to you sweet, soulful one!

Hammer~ Remember the good times & try to learn from the mistakes of others, as well as our own?

skinnylittleblonde said...

PERSICHETTI....
ILY and have been trying to call...number is busy, busy, busy!?

eric313 said...

Skinny! How are you? I posted a tribute to a friend who reads my blog every day since it started, pretty much. Don't worry, you all know that so much of what I've been writing lately is a tribute to you and Singleton, and that inspiration. You all are really cool, too.
Clink!

skinnylittleblonde said...

Eric~ Lol...I am skinny! Hahaha, kidding... all is good. I'm on my way ! Clinkitty-Tink!

kj said...

what a sweet comment from you, skinny. thank you. same back at you.

:)

Crashdummie said...

Omg that is so sad. Trying to drag a beautiful thing such as your friendship into the dirt and try to make it into something it is not. I don’t get it, why do ppl have such a hard time accepting platonic friendship between a man and a woman? (I actually wrote a post abt it just last week, “Transformed Friendship”).

It’s really sad that she let the jealousy take the better of her. What kinda relationship do you have if you haven’t got trust and respect for your partner.. and obviously she didn’t. I wish your friend the best, but trust me, it was his lost that he let such an amazing friend like you slip away.

Wish you all the best, and thank you for stopping by at “Crashed Site”...

Cheers!

Orhan Kahn said...

That is just terrible. I'm so sorry to read that for both you and him, too bad he made the wrong decision. I could never marry somebody like that. I would be more likely to bury somebody like that instead.

SpongyBones said...

I'm going on a hunt to find her and tell her what a good friend she missed out on because of her jealousy!

skinnylittleblonde said...

((KJ)) Thank you...you humble words humble me, but as I said earlier keep this machine of my mind well oiled.

Orhan~ ;) Your comment makes me think of the Nirvana song ... 'Married...Buried...yea, yea, yea, yea'

Spongy~ Lol...better yet, won't you hunt out that irrational-free good-times & I'll meet you there ;) P&L!

skinnylittleblonde said...

Crashie~ I will have to go back and check out your post. I am sure it is insightful. Personally, I think the reason is because they, themselves, have never experienced simple & pure, platonic love and adoration.
Sometimes people lose trust, because it has been compromised by the other party (not the case in this situation) and some people never have it within themselves & therefore, they cannot have it within their partners and/or relationships. Sad, indeed.
Sometimes, i think that it is all in how we define 'love.' Like maybe, in her world, her definition of love includes jealous tyrades & perhaps, in his, love is defined by what extremes one will go to to express their own fears. Maybe? TY for the visit & lots of peace & love to you, Dear Ka-Boom! ;)

vicci said...

Some people are still stuck in the mode that men and women CAN'T be friends!!!! Ignorance!
:-) I LOVE my male friends...my hubby knows it....true love only wants what is BEST for us.....hope you are having a great summer Sweetie......wish you were here to join me in the pool......

Wizened Wizard said...

I wonder if you would have been a better friend if you had lied to her and caused such a fight that your friend might have seen the light... (Of course I don't mean that, but how sad he's spending married life with a person like her).

Wonderfully written. Thanks for sharing your stories.

skinnylittleblonde said...

Vicci~ The wisest words as of yet... true love only wants what is BEST for us Lol, oh how I wish I was there!

Wizened Wizard~ Thanks for coming around to see. Kind of pulling from Vicci's comment above, I honestly believe that this is the road he needed to go down to better define for himself exactly what he wanted out of life. With or without her, or me for that matter, I want him to live life fully... learning & loving.

wildflower said...

sad story, u loved him?
nice post,liked ur blog, n will come back soon :D

skinnylittleblonde said...

Wildflower ~ I so adore your moniker... the best flowers of all are the wild ones. Yes, I did & still do ... but love takes many forms, my dear, and this was a platonic love, yet still one that runs deep.

No said...

Wow...Good post, SLB....I've been on all sides of this issue...It sucks no matter which one of the three you are...you all miss out.

skinnylittleblonde said...

No....You are so correct there.

Little Wing said...

Hi Skinny, I've been popping into your connected blogs now and again and am always warmed by all that I take away with me. I love the artwork. I love the stories. Mostly, I love the LOVE that gets expressed in each one of the blogs.

I have to say, however... unashamedly... that I have been somewhat in the same shoe as this jealous one that you speak of. I can say, as well (thank god) that I have never behaved as badly as this one did, but my reasoning seems, to me... well, reasonable.

The bottom line is that the situation those two have created has arisen from their own intrinsic karma together... and he is remaining for the lessons that he is there to learn with her. She, too, as well. It may not be as unfortunate a situation as everyone seems to think. He would not remain, if he did not need to be there, for whatever reason. He loves her. Or he may be needy, in addition to loving her. As needy as she may be. Needy people need other needy people.

In years gone by, I have accepted friendships that male counterparts have had with other females. I, too, have always had friends of the opposite sex. Still do. My story my seem unreasonable to others, but who cares.

My significant other's best friend is really an old girlfriend of his. One that he was once very deeply in love with, as he tells it. They lived about 2 or 3 hours from one another, visited quite often, took trips together for a couple of years. They just sorta fell apart, physically, for one reason or another... but, remained the closest of friends, talking to each other nearly every single day, the way girlfriends might. He even paid a tremendous amount of money for blanket long distance coverage, just so he could call her and talk as long as he liked, whenever he liked.

Enter me. Relationship brand-new, just getting to know one another.

We'd by lying in bed and the phone would be ringing off the hook. She'd let it ring foreeeevvvver. When he didn't answer, cause he was spending time with me, she'd ring at least once or twice more, and for just as long. Just in case he didn't hear it the first two calls, eh? Like she couldn't just leave a message and let him call at his leisure? Though it was annoying, no major problem for me. I even encouraged him to go ahead and answer the phone, nothing to hide, no reason not to answer. She was only a friend. Besides, get it over with, so she would stop calling over and over again on the same night, for heaven's sake! Once, he did answer. In fact, he put me on the phone with her, for our first introduction to one another. I was happy to be brought into her life, and she into mine. I had nothing to fear, no jealousies, though I have to admit that I had, indeed, been somewhat annoyed with the constant ringing. I did notice, however, in that first introduction, that the moment I started talking about how I had always thought he was soooo good looking and what a really cool hippy he was, when we were young, and he with the most incredible ice blue eys... and that he and I had once kissed, an awesome kiss, on graduation night... and never saw one another again, till 35 years later (well, I thought it was an incredible story, even if she didn't)... well, she grew incredibly quiet. He mentioned to me, as well, that she would grow quiet when he would begin to talk about me, and the reflection was taken off of her. Ok. I was still ok. To me, it seemed she wasn't as ok as I was.

After a period of a few months months, I slowly begin moving in with him.

Enter the second stage.

She sends him a very belated birthday present that she'd had boxed up for months and never gotten in the mail. In it was a little book and a collectible commemorating a trip they had once taken together. In addition to that, she had included a photograph of herself, already framed, walking down a beach with sunset in the background. A very mood-enhancing shot. I feel disrespected, by her, but say nothing, other than to wonder why she would send something like that, when she is awsare of the new love in his life. There was puzzlement between us, he and I. He has no idea why she would send something like that, either, and tells me I can throw it away if I want to. Of course not, it's his photograph, if he wants to throw it away, let him do so. I find a spot for it and put it on display. I am demonstrating my acceptance and respect for her place in his life... and now our life. I must say, however, I thought it was in very bad form for her to send it, knowing that he is in a new relationship, without having the curteousy to consider that it could possibley cause a problem. Maybe she is having a hard time letting go of their everyday thing, and she wants to tug at his heart, who knows? Nevertheless, I keep it in place for many months.

Enter the third stage.

Being that the relationship was new, I'd be sitting at my cubicle, at work and my mind would begin to wander. I'd feel the desire to just ring him up, knowing he'd still be at home getting ready to start his day... just to say hello and to let him know that I loved him and was just thinking of him. It would start my day out just right and I always hoped that it would his. Many times when I'd try and call, the line would be all tied up for an hour or two. Because she had called or he was returning her call. I'd ask him if he couldn't just tell her to hold one moment, while he caught my call... just so I could say what I wanted to say to him, then he could be right back with her. He refused. He doesn't beliave in using call waiting, though he certainly ended a call of mine, once, and quite hurriedly, because someone was beeping in. I felt disrespected. This time, by him. Ok, I accept that he doesn't believe in call waiting. But, could he just try to explain to her that she might want to give us some space, so that our new relationship can continue to blossom, quite naturally. Was it normal for their daily routine to continue, now that he had a new love in his life? I felt that an adjustment should be made. It didn't feel right, to me, that I couldn't get through to him because he was on the phone with his ex-love. This is how it was turning on me. I begin to see her as the ex-love, and not just the best friend.

He said that she had been a good friend to him and he owed her a lot. He would never hurt her feelings. I felt he wasn't concerned about mine. How could she know that she needed to back off if he didn't impart that to her, for it seemed that she didn't have the good common sense to figure it out for herself. I struggled with myself. Was I being unduly "whatever"??? He began to see me as "jealous"... when, in my eyes, it had nothing to do with jealousie... more to do with my place in someone's life and the lack of acknowledgement, by them both, that I felt that place was due. Maybe I was unreasonable, I struggled with the issue, looked deeply within, while nothing really changed.

Enter stage four.

He is having a medical procedure peformed on his back and she wants to make sure that someone calls to let her know that he is ok when the procedure is all done. He asks me if I will call and let her know. Sure, no problem. I call and tell her how everything went, that all is fine, all went well. The very next time she calls, like two days later, I answer the phone and she doesn't even acknowledge me, instead skips right to, "Could I speak with so-and-so?" Sure, no problem. Again, I feel disrespected. And my significant other even says, "well, that's not like her, I can't believe she would be so rude." "Well," I say, "now do you think you might say something to her, to get her to back out for a time and give us some space?"

Enter stage five.

I question why, when she calls and leaves messages, she never addresses me, too, as a part of the household... like his other female friend, who always mentions my name in any message that she leaves on our phone, acknowledging my presence in his life. Funny thing happened, right after that. A message is left, mentioning my name, she was wondering if anybody was home, she just wanted somebody to talk to. Now... perhaps I behaved badly, but I didn't accept this... because I knew that this had not come from her own heart... that the only reason she had changed her approach was because he obviously had said something. Well, he says something to her all right, but what he does is to tell her, in so many words, that I am having a problem with the relationship, but he is NOT going to let me control who his friends are, and I will NEVER come between their friendship. And the beat goes on. How do I know he said this to her? Because, a few months down the road, when the calls are continuing and I question whether he ever said anything to her, he tells me just exactly what he did say to her.

I have been kind. I feel I have received nothing in return for accepting an ex-lover ss my signifcant other's best friend. I'm getting really angry now.

Enter stage six.

I am enraged that he would betray me by what I feel was a misrepresntation of the reasoning behind my feelings about the whole issue. I had hoped that he would have found a very tactful way to just say to her, "hey... we are great friends, we always will be... but, I think things have to change a bit, now that I have a new love in my life." Instead, he let her know that I was having issues about the friendship... and he let both of us know that nothing was going to change. When questioned as to why he would betray me like that, he says, "well, maybe now she will stop calling so much." Right, put it all off on me. Weeks later, he would say, "well, she is from my past, I guess it is time to let go of that... I was hoping she would move on. Maybe she will." Not likely if he is still encouraging her, by making me look like an ass. And I am beginning to feel like one. The picture goes into a drawer.

His ex wife wouldn't accept ANY female from his past... and I believe he has been so stuck in the past, from that relationship, that he cannot see that I was perfectly willing to accept her... but, with limitation, as I feel should be expected.

Knowing what he has said to her, it is like a small fire smoldering inside. Until one day I realize that if he cannot help me with the issue, I will call her myself. I let her know that the issue is not about her, in so much as it is about the way he has handled my emotions regarding the issue. And while I had her on the phone I took the time to let her know that I thought it had been very distasteful of her to send the photograph. She agreed and admitted that she had "wondered if it was gonna cause any problems." I suppose she hadn't been concerned of the outcome, had it. Is that being a good friend to him? And is it right for him to protect her emotions, while ignorning my own, and putting it all to jealousy? He didn't even know what was in the package till it arrived. It was all a surprise. He said maybe it was her way of saying she was "walking away"... since the photograph had her walking down the beach, away from the camera. I also let her know that, amidst the strong emotion I had felt regarding the way he treated the situation, that I had wished that she would just 'go away' so that we could develop our relationship.

I begin to feel that I had stepped into the middle of an unresolved relationship with many strings still attached, not wrapped up and tied neatly. Early on, he told me that she was saying things like, "what ever happened to the days when life was so uncomplicated, and we'd just spend time together?" Come on, love, isn't that a hint of where her head is at? And she sends a romantical like picture of herself, too???

I begin to notice the calls are not showing up on the phone anymore, but I know they are still in touch via email. Whatever. At this point, I just don't want to hear about her anymore. He tells me she doesn't understand why she can't call anymore, and he hates that, because she is such a good friend. But, when after several months have passed and her number shows up on caller ID, I ask him about the call. He claims innocence, says he didn't know she had called. I don't believe him. I ask if he told her to call. He says no. Later, I find out that not only did he tell her to call, but he even considered trying to sneak away to meet her, while she was passing through, on a trip. I still don't know if he actually did, or not. I also find out that he has defamed me, yet again... and that he continues to encourage her with reminders of the old days, and continued warm expression of feelings regarding the time that they spent together. He even shares tears with her, in a moment.

Maybe I am jealous... but it didn't have to be this way. I was open, in the beginning. Am I controling? I don't mean to be. I felt I gave it my best shot.

Enter stage seven.

I finally remove her framed picture from the drawer, remove the photograph and tear it into shreds and throw it, along with the frame, into the trash... just like he suggested in the beginning. I no longer care if we ever become friends. I feel that I was disrespected by them both. I feel that he needs her in his life, for whatever reason... perhaps more than he needs me, as he is willing to let me walk away, before he would ever back her away from him.

Is this a control issue, of my own? Or have they both been unkind?

You truly never know what is going on between two people. While he was telling me one thing, he was always telling her quite another. While he was saying to me that he wanted her to move on, he was imparting to her that I am an insanely jealous person. I felt I had taken the high road. I'm sorry that I could not take an even higher one.

My deceased husband once went to visit a female friend who had fancied him. He stayed with her for three weeks. He had fancied her, as well. He ended up with me. I would find out that she had sent him away because, she later told me, he never stopped talking about me. She sent him away to find resolve with his deep interest for me. She knew that she was not able to bare hearing all the adoration he felt for me, while trying to develop a relationship with her. I believe she was right in sending him away, for he had been truly in love with me. Who knows what your own friend might impart towards his wife. I think it is the right thing, if he truly loves her, to help her become secure in the relationship. I think it was the right thing, of you, to cut him lose and send him on his way, if she is who he loves.

I know that my babe and his ex-girlfriend/best friend will always be friends. But somehow we have to honor what is most important in our lives, as we are living it. Sometimes we can't have it all, because our worlds are not perfect. They are about making it as perfect as we can, by living the best that we can, with what is before us. We all struggle with understanding and judgements and choices.

I apologize for jumping right into your post, with such a long reply, after no previous introduction... but, I felt quite misunderstood after reading this posting. I wanted to offer the other possible version. Besides, I have always believed that in male/female platonic relationships, that one or the other always cares much more deeply than the other... and that had time, space, and opportunity allowed, it could have turned out the other way. I also believe that we sometimes have to let go of the past in order to move forward.

I hope no offense is taken.

Litte Wing

skinnylittleblonde said...

Little Wing ~ First of all, I LOVE your moniker...as it the title of one of my all time favorite songs & in fact, is inscribed onto my canoe ;) It seems we have much in common.

I want you to know I am not offended at all, not one little bit & I absolutely understand how you must feel as if your own truthfulness has been twisted & exploited, with selfish intention, by your lover. My current husband befriended a young, single mother just before our marriage & not long into our marriage, he began to invest extra time, energy & resources into her(and concealing his relations with her)All the while he painted a picture of me being jealous...which only alienated she & I from ever having the possibility of understanding each others' true role in his life. It is a dishonesty & a disrespect, IMHO.(Lol, see post above on honestly...love?)My problems were never with her, as i had never taken vows or made commitments with her. It was never jealousy. It was the fact that I felt as if he was making investments outside of the home & using his 'home'(me) to milk those investments for all he could sap out of them. I felt exploited & misrepresented...almost slandered.

I cannot understand why anyone (other than a child or grandchild) would give anyone a framed photograph of themselves. The only thing I can think of is that she wanted to send him a 'reminder' of herself.

I think I did the right thing in letting go. In fact, I would have never called that one Saturday evening if I had known for one second that it would have such an immediate an ill effect on her & on them. I don't know how long their problems from that one invite lasted, but I hope not too long. He never lied to her about us (we, unlike your partner never so much as smooched...nor did I ever have any inclination to do so) & as much as I would have liked to have been a friend to her as well, I accept that this was a path for him to go down, solo, without my friendly support.

Letting go. It's something I have learned to do, especially with the ones I love. Sometimes it is the healthiest & most loving thing we can do....for ourselves & for our love.

I wish you a good, healthy dose of peace & love, honesty & respect. I admire your candor in coming here & spilling it all out (lol, usually I am the only one doing that!) I want you to know that you are always welcome here, that I have yet to be offended by any commenter...although I often am enlightened.

I say that I love blogging because I find that the more I learn about other folks, the more I learn about myself. The more I learn about others & myself, the truer my relations are. As always Little Wing, peace & love!

Fly On Little Wing! Fly On!
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Little Wing said...

Skinny, thanks for your empathy! You don't know how good it feels to hear someone actually say they can truly understand where the problem was, for me... which was not wrapped up in jealousy. Most of the time, people are not even open to the possibility of accepting a partner's friend of the opposite sex, like that... and they can only offer up the advice that I should "dump that chump"... and couldn't even ponder the possibility of there ever having been a chance to be a friend to her. I have kept hanging on, in the hopes that true understanding would eventually happen. Sadly, I have realized that he doesn't know me at all... he only thinks he knows the true me, based on his warped experiences from the past. I've got a a few of those warped experiences myself, which is why I have been so patient for so long... however, it is only a small fragment of the entire picture... and almost all of his actions and reactions are based on his past experience, and never seem to encompass the possibility that this relationship just might offer the possibility of something different. I tell you what, though, I am getting too old to bend over backwards, ya know? My back is breaking. Lol!

I love the song too! My dearly departed husband once referred to me as Little Wing, and I had totally forgotten until he passed away and I found an old email. He played the guitar and he loved Hendrix. I felt the name quite fitting for the blog, as there had once been much majic between us. Nice artwork, on that link!

I'll check out the other post this weekend. And thanks for the welcome to return.

LW